Welcome to My Number One Mission

Hi all. My name is Andrew and I'm in the midst of something that's tremendously unlikely to succeed.

I've always liked music, and always fancied being a pop star. Probably that's not too rare. I've always imagined doing the interviews, appearing on panel based comedy quiz shows and singing on Saturday morning television. Maybe I'd make friends with Ricky Gervais and appear on his hit television programme "Extras". Until now, (and with little doubt, even now), that has all seemed rather unlikely to come to fruition. Sure, I know a bunch of guys in bands, and probably could join one myself if I had a little more get up and go, but so far that's not really happened. Actually, I've been in four bands, although each experience lasted barely more than a single hour or so. But more about that once I've explained the point of this blog.

Well, it occurred to me that given the recent changes to chart restrictions that enable downloaded songs to qualify for chart positions, it has probably never been easier for someone with very little talent to have a hit single, assuming that they are capable of fostering a sufficient degree of good-will from a motivated proportion of i-Pod owning webheads. And my natural conclusion following this observation was that I should test my theory and attempt to achieve the impossible. I aim to have a number one hit song within the UK singles chart (radio one, needless to say, not some kid jensen shit) by 1st January 2008. To keep it interesting there are a couple of barriers in my way:

• I have absolutely no musical ability. I can hold a note a little when singing, but have no idea how to play any instruments. I can find middle C on a piano, and can play the first 8 notes of the Eastenders theme tune with one hand, but I have little doubt that an alzheimer's suffering arthritic chimp could be taught to play it better.
  
• I don't own a musical instrument.
• I've failed to learn musical instruments in the past. When I was little I wanted a piano but after my mum and dad saved up and got me one I soon became a card carrying piano hater, and refused to attend piano lessons or practise, to the extent that to justify the expense my unenthusiastic father was forced to himself embark on a musical career. I've tried to learn the guitar on a couple of occasions - left hand finger pain has always dissuaded me within a couple of hours.
• I don't really know how one would get a song on iTunes or some recognized download service, even if I had a song.
• I don't really know how to write lyrics. I've tried before and what I invariably end up with is a bunch of clumsily expressed, sixth-form Morrissey-lite pap about broken hearts in council flats or (even worse) Brett Anderson-esque shit about grimy neon spires and gasoline daydreams.
• The best chance I have for success is to use the full allotted time, but a number one at the end of December is probably an impossibility, given that X-factor will stage their annual ruin-the-christmas-number-one-race-for-everyone chart battle between gushing (maybe obese) lady and charming but probably gay white soul boy.
  

And to make it even harder on myself I'm going to set a couple of restrictions; conditions of use if you like:

• I'm not going to follow some pre-existing template. In any event, the most obvious reference point, which is Bill Drummond's book, probably doesn't take into account the whole download world. And if it's worth doing this, it's worth doing so alone.
• I'm a music fan, much more so than a chart fan, and therefore the integrity of my art is important to me. So, I'm going to enlist the assistance of the three people I know who know most about music. At least two of them must think my song is at least ok for me to succeed. Even if it hits the top spot, I won't achieve my mission unless two of them thinks it's not wank. Now, I should say here that I haven't asked them yet and should probably refrain from putting their names in black and white at this stage but in the interests of keeping everything legit, I'm talking about Dep Downey, Mark Hillier and Kate Laceby. The refusal of any to cooperate means that the remaining two have to like the song. If two or more refuse to play then I automatically lose for having friends that hate me.
• The recorded (potential hit) version of the song has to be performed and produced exclusively by me, and me alone. Notwithstanding the fact that I might get some friends involved to assist with any live performances (hah!) that I attempt, and that other versions of the song might well exist that have been produced and performed by some people that aren't the musical equivalent of a dirty old pus soaked hobo, the hit, if we're to be successful, has to be just me. It also has to be exclusively written by me, needless to say.

Sounds quite difficult doesn't it? Well, fortunately, I have a few aces in the hole, which ought to shorten my odds from impossible to a couple of notches west of impossible. Read on...

• I am quite good with computers, so things like setting up a website, digital mixing and stuff ought to be quite doable.
  
• I have quite good hand-eye coordination, being a bit of a computer game buff. I've often told myself that this ought to make me a natural for the guitar but the feel of those joy-pad buttons is so much more pleasing than ribbonising my finger tips on cheese wire all day for no more reward than a muffled and incorrect two chord version of good-bye england's rose. I have played a lot of Guitar Hero II lately though, and that does reward the dedicated player with quite sore finger tips, so I'm hopeful that this is all good training. I am better at Guitar Hero II than anyone else I know.
  
• I have access to a guitar (that one above about having no musical instruments was a bit of a red herring to be honest). I've had my brother's guitar for several years without him noticing to be honest, and assuming he doesn't reclaim it the show might just go on.
  
• I also have access to a digital four track recording studio thing. This belongs to my friend Laura who lives in London and since having her first child almost two years ago has been unable to commit to her recording career. The device itself is in a house just a couple of blocks away and as soon as I have a song I'll have it.
• I used to work in a Music Department, as a computer mong, and therefore I have seen lots of musical instruments and music software.
• I am literate (at least semi-literate) and have access to a pen and some paper.

So this pretty much sets the scene. It's now March 27th, two days before my 29th birthday. As I write this I suddenly think it would have been a better idea to make this mission to have a number one before I'm thirty, but even bearing in mind the magic of find and replace in firefox I'm going to stick to the New Year's Day deadline. The biggest advantage is that Top of the Pops is still aired on Christmas day and it would be quite good to appear on that.

So, wish me luck and hopefully the ride will be a thrilling one. Stay tuned for an almost immediate update.