My Experience To Date

I mentioned in my maiden post there about having been in bands before. This much is true, although you may also note that I didn't drop this in as one of the reasons why I'd be more likely to succeed. That's because although I've been in as many bands as Paul MafuckingCartney, none of my experiences enjoyed even the longevity of the frog chorus (and that's before we even discuss the artistic merits of our efforts).

Here's a run-down of my musical forays to date:

Number One:
Band Name: Untitled

The first band I was properly in lasted for around half of an afternoon in a practice pad somewhere on the south side of Glasgow (I think it was just outside Clarkston - is that Riverside perhaps). It was with my good friends Andrew Bush and David Thomson who have both gone onto subsequent local creative success with a variety of bands, including Pariah, Sky at Night and Tall Ships. I was on vocals and I'd written some very shouty shouty angsty angsty lyrics which were embarrassingly poor... They went something like this...

"Today I feel depressed, cos society's progressed
To a time and place where there's no space
For magic anymore"

Quite shit eh? Then the chorus kicked in with the refrain,

"now is the time for all young men to act"

Will I ever be that good again? It's probably no surprise that David and Andrew segued into an instrumental-only band following that.

Number Two:
Band Name: Untitled

My sophomore effort, another band that didn't last beyond point where we got a title. This was with an Icelandic dude called Nonny who I met sometime around the turn of the millenium, although I can't remember where or how (I was a little habitually tipsy in those days). We didn't even get as far as the rehearsal room this time, although the band was together a little longer. For whatever reason, Nonny, who's this great, passionate and totally enthusiastic guy thought that I was the missing piece of the jigsaw for a band he was hoping to put together in Glasgow. He needed a Bass player, and, he said, it didn't matter that I couldn't play (oh, how I protested about my inability to play) cos I had the right look and stuff. He was so up for it and I was so flattered, but ultimately began to feel really bad because I knew that I was incapable of living up to his expectations. I didn't actually try to play the bass much either during this period. I mean, the vocalist thing was more my cup of tea, because it's just like talking in a funny way over the music, and you don't even have to really learn that. But I really felt for Nonny, cos he had a lot of emotional energy invested in this band that was gonna be like the new stooges/lennon/slowdive and I must say I thought if he had a band full of himself he could probably have pulled it off. And he got screwed around too, which was upsetting; some guy who he had recruited to play guitar needed a new instrument, so Nonny bought him one. It was the last he saw of him though as this asshole guy did a runner and never got back in touch. Too trusting maybe. So, eventually things fell apart a little and I didn't see Nonny around so much, as he finished at Art School and went back to Iceland. Funnily enough though I was in Reykjavik a couple of years ago and I met this guy who was similarly infectious and enthusiastic and also took to me really quickly - turns out he was Nonny's brother. And I met a friend of his called Hanna that same time, and pretty much fell in love with her over the course of a couple of days. Never saw Nonny himself, but I've subsequently noticed his face on Myspace and I must drop him a line. Iceland rocks. It might be expensive to go there kids, but think how much you're costing yourself by not going...

Number Three:
Band Name: Untitled

Noticing a trend here? That's right, another untitled band and this time not much of a story to tell. I used to go to quiz at Nice 'n' Sleazy that had a karaoke section within it, and I used to take the opportunity to dust off the old pipes from time to time. My mate Bob decided that he'd be the latest to offer me my chance at superstardom with his emerging Stooges influenced project, in conjunction with another friend called Des. I used to love hanging out in his Byres Road house smoking fags and watching the people go below. Bob was a pretty dab hand in the kitchen and used to offer me a selection of tasty foodstuffs too. I remember the first time I ever enjoyed a courgette (that's zucchini for you US based readers) was at his house. It's all about how it's cooked he said. Anyway, at some point during the two or three times I was there that we were a band he'd get the guitars and mics out and I'd just seize up, and really didn't feel comfortable singing. I'll have to remedy that soon I daresay. But I'm sure it'll be ok.

Number Four:
Band Name: Untitled during my tenure, although subsequently became 20 miles

I went to see the John Spencer Blues Explosion at the Queen Margaret Union with my friends Mark and I think possibly our then flatmate Andy, or it might have been Joe. I thought they were ok; usual expectations of the Blues Explosion are probably almost always accurate, plodding, somewhat meandering but occasionally enthralling songs boosted by the charisma of the singer. Well, afterwards we were thinking, that was a bit of fun, let's continue the evening and head to the Glasgow Garage nightspot. It was a midweek evening, there wasn't owt much more to be doing. Who should we see there though, but Judah Bauer, the often noodling guitar player from the Blues Explosion. After a while for whatever reason he approached me and started to explain that it was very important that I become his new bass player. I mean again, what is with me and bass playing? Well, Judah, I told him, I'm not actually very musical. Again, the same response, doesn't matter you're perfect for what I'm trying to put together. You can learn! Well, again I was flattered, although it seemed that Judah had perhaps had a bit to drink and I was also a little embarassed. But still he kept coming back, begging me to join his band. Not that practical I suggested to him, since I'm here and you're based in America. Not a problem, far from insurmountable reasoned Judah in response, although the precise details of his rationale were maybe lost within a somewhat sozzled mumble. Well, we eventually parted, at which point he pressed a piece of paper with an email address on it into my hand, telling me to get in touch. I actually did, and he did respond to say he remembered me, and that we had to do something but very quickly it became clear that I'd been right, and that our musical futures lay along very different paths. But I did go and see the band he wanted me for, subsequently called 20 miles, at King Tuts Wah Wah Hut. I suppose part of me wanted to know who he'd got in instead of me. Well needless to say, the new guy had more bass playing talent than me, but did he have the look. Ha!, no.

If I was a wine I'd have been made tomorrow my vintage is so bad.

Welcome to My Number One Mission

Hi all. My name is Andrew and I'm in the midst of something that's tremendously unlikely to succeed.

I've always liked music, and always fancied being a pop star. Probably that's not too rare. I've always imagined doing the interviews, appearing on panel based comedy quiz shows and singing on Saturday morning television. Maybe I'd make friends with Ricky Gervais and appear on his hit television programme "Extras". Until now, (and with little doubt, even now), that has all seemed rather unlikely to come to fruition. Sure, I know a bunch of guys in bands, and probably could join one myself if I had a little more get up and go, but so far that's not really happened. Actually, I've been in four bands, although each experience lasted barely more than a single hour or so. But more about that once I've explained the point of this blog.

Well, it occurred to me that given the recent changes to chart restrictions that enable downloaded songs to qualify for chart positions, it has probably never been easier for someone with very little talent to have a hit single, assuming that they are capable of fostering a sufficient degree of good-will from a motivated proportion of i-Pod owning webheads. And my natural conclusion following this observation was that I should test my theory and attempt to achieve the impossible. I aim to have a number one hit song within the UK singles chart (radio one, needless to say, not some kid jensen shit) by 1st January 2008. To keep it interesting there are a couple of barriers in my way:

• I have absolutely no musical ability. I can hold a note a little when singing, but have no idea how to play any instruments. I can find middle C on a piano, and can play the first 8 notes of the Eastenders theme tune with one hand, but I have little doubt that an alzheimer's suffering arthritic chimp could be taught to play it better.
  
• I don't own a musical instrument.
• I've failed to learn musical instruments in the past. When I was little I wanted a piano but after my mum and dad saved up and got me one I soon became a card carrying piano hater, and refused to attend piano lessons or practise, to the extent that to justify the expense my unenthusiastic father was forced to himself embark on a musical career. I've tried to learn the guitar on a couple of occasions - left hand finger pain has always dissuaded me within a couple of hours.
• I don't really know how one would get a song on iTunes or some recognized download service, even if I had a song.
• I don't really know how to write lyrics. I've tried before and what I invariably end up with is a bunch of clumsily expressed, sixth-form Morrissey-lite pap about broken hearts in council flats or (even worse) Brett Anderson-esque shit about grimy neon spires and gasoline daydreams.
• The best chance I have for success is to use the full allotted time, but a number one at the end of December is probably an impossibility, given that X-factor will stage their annual ruin-the-christmas-number-one-race-for-everyone chart battle between gushing (maybe obese) lady and charming but probably gay white soul boy.
  

And to make it even harder on myself I'm going to set a couple of restrictions; conditions of use if you like:

• I'm not going to follow some pre-existing template. In any event, the most obvious reference point, which is Bill Drummond's book, probably doesn't take into account the whole download world. And if it's worth doing this, it's worth doing so alone.
• I'm a music fan, much more so than a chart fan, and therefore the integrity of my art is important to me. So, I'm going to enlist the assistance of the three people I know who know most about music. At least two of them must think my song is at least ok for me to succeed. Even if it hits the top spot, I won't achieve my mission unless two of them thinks it's not wank. Now, I should say here that I haven't asked them yet and should probably refrain from putting their names in black and white at this stage but in the interests of keeping everything legit, I'm talking about Dep Downey, Mark Hillier and Kate Laceby. The refusal of any to cooperate means that the remaining two have to like the song. If two or more refuse to play then I automatically lose for having friends that hate me.
• The recorded (potential hit) version of the song has to be performed and produced exclusively by me, and me alone. Notwithstanding the fact that I might get some friends involved to assist with any live performances (hah!) that I attempt, and that other versions of the song might well exist that have been produced and performed by some people that aren't the musical equivalent of a dirty old pus soaked hobo, the hit, if we're to be successful, has to be just me. It also has to be exclusively written by me, needless to say.

Sounds quite difficult doesn't it? Well, fortunately, I have a few aces in the hole, which ought to shorten my odds from impossible to a couple of notches west of impossible. Read on...

• I am quite good with computers, so things like setting up a website, digital mixing and stuff ought to be quite doable.
  
• I have quite good hand-eye coordination, being a bit of a computer game buff. I've often told myself that this ought to make me a natural for the guitar but the feel of those joy-pad buttons is so much more pleasing than ribbonising my finger tips on cheese wire all day for no more reward than a muffled and incorrect two chord version of good-bye england's rose. I have played a lot of Guitar Hero II lately though, and that does reward the dedicated player with quite sore finger tips, so I'm hopeful that this is all good training. I am better at Guitar Hero II than anyone else I know.
  
• I have access to a guitar (that one above about having no musical instruments was a bit of a red herring to be honest). I've had my brother's guitar for several years without him noticing to be honest, and assuming he doesn't reclaim it the show might just go on.
  
• I also have access to a digital four track recording studio thing. This belongs to my friend Laura who lives in London and since having her first child almost two years ago has been unable to commit to her recording career. The device itself is in a house just a couple of blocks away and as soon as I have a song I'll have it.
• I used to work in a Music Department, as a computer mong, and therefore I have seen lots of musical instruments and music software.
• I am literate (at least semi-literate) and have access to a pen and some paper.

So this pretty much sets the scene. It's now March 27th, two days before my 29th birthday. As I write this I suddenly think it would have been a better idea to make this mission to have a number one before I'm thirty, but even bearing in mind the magic of find and replace in firefox I'm going to stick to the New Year's Day deadline. The biggest advantage is that Top of the Pops is still aired on Christmas day and it would be quite good to appear on that.

So, wish me luck and hopefully the ride will be a thrilling one. Stay tuned for an almost immediate update.